I’ll Have….Another One

America and tailgating go hand in hand.  One is not truly an American unless he/she can successfully set up a tailgate.  *** Side note *** If “she” is planning the tailgate you need to go buy a ring and propose on the spot.  Those are like unicorns.  You hear about them but you have never actually seen one in the wild.  Back to reality,  so the question is when you’re setting up your tailgate for the big game what do you go with?  How do you know what beers to bring to please the people?  Are you normal for wanting PBR’s?  Well thanks to Vine Pair we have some numbers.  But we didn’t want some numbers and to just move on.  We like to analyze what we have been given and make sense of this glorious piece of information.
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So as you can see the 20 most popular beers include some of the big boys, Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller light, etc….But even a blind man could have told you in some way or another that those would be at the top. If you want to play the percentages then you have to go with Bud Light, Coors Light and Miller Light at your tailgate.  Let’s be honest, if we have to tell you that then you really shouldn’t be hosting a tailgate. However, after we get past the commercial kings that is where things really get fun.

Much to Trump’s dismay, and your wallet, Mexican import Corona comes in at #5.  Much like Trump’s policies Corona, from my experience, can split a room.  People hate it or love it.  If it is alcohol and you can put a lime in it to make it bearable I am all for it.  We all know a couple of those leads to a tequila shot, which leads to a night out, which leads to epic stories.  So if that’s what I get with a Corona sign me up.  Probably not the best tailgating beer but on a boat or in a bar can’t go wrong there.

The most fascinating part of this is how much the college kids boost the rankings of Natty Light, Busch Light and Keystone Light.  If you went to college and didn’t have a good ole Natty you are either going to Harvard, Yale, Cornell, where you are already so loaded that you don’t drink cheap beer or you are “one of those guys”.   Natty was the life line for me in college.  Hit the sketchiest gas station you could and throw the guy a $5 and your fake ID.  Once you built a rapport with the guy you were in there like swimwear.  But heaven forbid that man took a day off!  Saturday night when the crew was counting on you and you walk in and saw your boy wasn’t behind the counter it turned into a scene from Superbad and I was McLovin…

You could always spot the underage kid buying the beer with the fake ID when he was looking for Natty and Keystone.  But after a certain point surely you move on right?  It’s either fewer people move on than I thought or freshman in college are going HAM in the frat houses because they are killing it in sales and these beers are shit.  Regardless, if you’re at a college tailgate you better be ready to go back in time and Nata-pult some beers.  If you’re trying to die on a serious budget go for the Natural Ice.  Good luck waking up the next day after pounding those.

Apparently if you’re going to tailgate with some beer snobs but you’re on a budget according to BA score, whatever the F&%$ that is, then Miller Life and PBR are for you!  I guess this BA thing must be something relevant and some how Miller and PBR came in with scores of 63 and 68 respectively and the average cost is $15 a case!  What a deal!  Compare that with Natty at 43! With an alcohol percentage of 4.6 for Miller and 4.75 for PBR you can smash, please the snobs, and keep money in your wallet!  Who would have known!?

Don’t tailgate with Yuengling or Heineken.  You will end up with way too many to take home. NEXT…..

The last thing that stuck out to me when I was looking at this chart was this Bud Light Lime Straw-ber-rita thing.  Let make one thing clear, we all address the elephant in the room at some point after we get what we want and that is what do the ladies want?  We always look for the girliest drinks.  You can’t go wrong with Bud Light Lime but I didn’t even know this was a thing until this report from VinePair but I would have bought this for sure.  Here’s the only problem with this mystery beer?  Wait is this really a beer?   Anyways the problem is it is a whopping 8% ABV!   If you buy this for your girl and her friends and they are downing them in between selfies and bathroom breaks you are going to be carrying her home instead of the game.  Girls don’t normally drink more than guys as it is, unless your name is Tucker, so if you give them 4 of these puppies you’re screwed!  Good news is for us is this costs a boat load of money so you shouldn’t have too many of them in your ice chest of beers.

So what did we learn today?  Apparently America gives zero f&%$’s about this BA Score thing. You can’t go wrong with the ole reliable Bud Light, Coors, and Miller Light at your tailgate.  If you want to go international you go Corona.  Budget you stick with Natty, Keystone or High Life.  Want to die you go with Natural Ice or Bud Light Platinum.  If you want to be bringing your girl, or Tucker, home on a stretcher pick them up a case of these Straw-ber-itas.

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We’re close to Saturday.  Stay thirsty.  #SAFTB

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Coronado Brewing Company: A Srat Review

You may be thinking to yourself, why in God’s name would I listen to a sorority girl’s opinion on beer? Her experience is probably limited to beer bonging Bud Light in the parking lot of a D3 school. Well, I cannot argue that my start did include tailgating, red cups, and one too many trips to the porta potty, but I will defend my evolution from foamy kegs to craft brews.

A little background on me. I am about to graduate (fingers crossed) from a small liberal arts school in Virginia with a degree in Cellular and Molecular Biology. My beer background, a bit more important, branches from my time living in Ireland where I got to experience a variety of alcohols. Beers, whiskies, and ciders all got special treatment. I was only twenty when I moved there so I was very excited to be able to indulge because I totally had never drank before, Mom. Promise. I’m currently applying to be an intern for the World of Beer for their Drink it Internship. I’ll keep you guys updated on my prospect. Now to the heart of the article: what am I drinking?

Well I’m glad you asked, random reader. Tonight I am sharing a Coronado Brewing Co. Orange Ave. Wit with my roommate watching Dancing with the Stars. How is it, is probably your follow up question? Len is being a bit touchy but I think Heather is definitely the best dancer. Kidding. The beer is great.

Coronado Brewing Company was founded on Coronado Island in California in 1996. This brewery has recently expanded to a 65,000 barrel industry. The San Diego, Californian vibe is shown in their graphic art. Their logo contains a mermaid that is also illustrated on the bottle holding a big foamy beer. The beer I tried was their Orange Ave. Wit. with an alcohol level of 5.2%, because that matters. Their label reads that this witbier is infused with orange zest, cilantro (what?), and orange blossom honey.

When you first pour it, the citrus hits you hit away. It is a lighter beer so the color has a nice golden tone to it. The scent radiates the flavors, but when you taste it, you are approached by completely different sensations. A bitterness falls onto the front of your palate yet when you let it set, the honey taste takes over. I do not know where this cilantro comes in, but maybe that’s because I just ate like hella tacos. I can definitely say they did really well getting a Belgian style into this American beer.

Overall, it’s a very easy drinking beer that would be perfect for a picnic, a summer game, or whatever you all do when it’s hot outside. Remember, I’m still just a sorority girl.

Meal Prep Sunday: Grilled Buffalo Chicken Salad

The Beer:

20170305_114155Everyone knows that when you’re whipping up a fresh batch of grilled dead animals, the consumption of barley, hops, water and yeast is a must.  This week’s selection was a Virginia IPA called Hoptimization from Brother’s Craft Brewery.  Google says the Brewery is in Harrisonburg, VA, which to be honest is a pretty damn good drinking town.  When I was in high school local university JMU was known as quite the party school.  However, since I’m 26 and old now that’s not what I’m here for.  However, as a pretentious 26-year-old male, I feel my opinion on craft beer matters.  Shit running out of words.  Anyway, my main complaint with IPAs is they tend to be way over PA’d.  This had a mellow flavor despite its ridiculous 7 some odd percent in alcohol content.  I’d give it a 4 out of 6 beers.

The Game:

You should have some solid background noise but something you don’t particularly care about.  Tottenham vs Everton served this purpose and actually turned out great.  Just like my chicken.

The Meal:

Yes, I know this is dude food and it has the word salad in it.  Who wants a salad.  Well since it is one of three socially responsible ways to shove ranch in your mouth, I’d say they have a spot on SBDS.  Plus, this is a quick and easy way to get your veggies in that one time of week you feel obligated to.  Here’s what you’ll need:

4 Chicken Breasts20170305_114210

Spices (Depending how spicy you like it)

10 Ounces of Spring Mix and Spinach

1 Red Bell Pepper

1.5 Cups of Diced Red Onion

2 Carrots

A Bag of 4 Shredded Cheddar

Ranch

A Bottle of Buffalo Wing Sauce from Sweet “F***ING” Baby Rays

First things first.  Get you a lot of chicken breasts.  Not frozen.  Seriously not that hard.  And get a big f***ing Ziploc bag.  I put in the following but I also like my chicken spicy.  However, a good place to start is put the following in the bag:

Black Pepper20170305_115032

Salt

Red Pepper

Cilantro

Chili Powder

Garlic Powder

Chicken Breasts

Shake in bag and place in fridge for 10 minutes.  Wash and dice the Pepper and peel the carrots.  Turn grill on high.  Once its good and hot turn it down to about 75 percent.  Oh 20170305_125437and dudes learn your grill.  It’s about the manliest thing you can do.  Any way back to it.  Close the grill and leave for 10 minutes.  Leave your meat be guys.  If you touch it too much, the juices will come flowing out.  The last thing you want is for all your juices to leave your meat early.  Flip leave for 10 more minutes.  Flip the chicken twice more for 5 minutes on both sides.  Cut the chicken into small fragments.  Place the cut chicken in a bowl and pour the buffalo sauce on and close lid and shake vigorously.  K at this point it’s a f***ing salad.  Assemble and eat.  And enjoy its delicious and hard to screw up.20170305_130812

Sweet 16 Never Tasted So Good

After tonight we will know exactly who has made the Sweet 16, bringing an end the best 4-day stretch of sports America has to offer.  There really is no better stretch.  You wake up and fill out your bracket, which has absolutely zero chance to be relevant come Sunday. Just grab some popcorn and watch sports all day long.  Thursday and Friday should just be national holidays because no one gets any work done.  You spend all Thursday morning trying to figure out how you can set up your computer to make it look like you’re working when your boss walks by but still managing to watch 98% of the action.  What’s the point of work at that point?  The blizzard in the northeast F*&^ed up by coming two days too early.  Way to go God.  Unfortunately, two things happen before Sunday rolls around to eventually dim my interest; Florida State being out of the tournament, assuming we were even in it and my bracket being beaten by a girl picking games off colors of a mascot.  It’s actually sad how little of this tournament I watch AFTER the field gets narrowed to 16.  By then all the cute, special, fairytale teams from the first round have been railroaded by some basketball powerhouse.  Sure you will have the 7/8 seeds that are still alive but they are normally bluebloods i.e. Michigan and Wisconsin, but that’s not special.  I am talking George Mason type stuff.  That is what gets the people going.  With all of that being said, here is the real reason I am writing to you at 7:00 PM on a Sunday, A.  I am hungry.  B. I have to fill out a bracket of something that is fact of life and can’t be wrong.  100% correct across the board.  We’re going to do a sweet 16 on fast food chains, something I actually know based on the top rated fast food joints in the USA by Business Insider.

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The Sweet 16 pits some of the big dogs against each other.  Notable absence in this was having to leave Cookout out of this.  Those fancy milkshakes…yummmmm.  No one has an easy road here!  Let’s go game by game to see who makes the Elite 8.

 

In our first match up we get Chick-Fil-A against Zaxby’s.  Zaxby’s is that VCU or Wichita State, they are a smaller chain but they have a small cult like following who will go down for their squad even if it meant leaving their friends and family.  What normally would be a landslide win for Chick-Fil-A will be a tighter matchup but let’s be honest this is a Chick-Fil-A win.

 

The 4/5 matchup pits morning people against sandwich lovers.  Jimmy John’s is amazing in that you can stay home, place an order, and it will be there in 20 minutes.  A lot of late night drunk conversations have been broken over a Jimmy Johns sub as you discuss who pulled at the club that night in your apartment.  Meanwhile, Dunkin is that sugary goodness that can pull you right out of your hangover and get you back on the saddle for another night.  At the end of the day I am rolling with Jimmy John’s because I don’t have to get in my car.  And let’s be honest if you’re lazy enough to order food so you don’t have to cook then you take delivery where you can get it.

 

2/7 brings us to Papa John’s and Subway.  This one was a blow out.  Subway is terrible.  No need to waste time here.  Papa John’s wins in a landslide.

 

3/6 pits Panera and McDonalds.  McDonalds being seeded at 6 seems unfair considering you can’t drive 5 minutes on a busy road without seeing one.  Kind of Like Kentucky ever being labeled an 8 seed.  Like c’mon you’re doing the 1 seed no favors putting the Alabama of basketball as an 8 seed.  I’ll be honest I have never been one for Panera.  I went there a couple of times in college and was never impressed.  I defaulted to the lady on this one and she said Panera over McDonalds.  But then I realized how many times McDonald’s has saved me late nights and overruled her.  McDonalds and their late night fast food option carries them along.

 

On the other side of the Bracket Chipotle takes on fellow Mexican foe Taco Bell.  I’ve only actively searched for a Taco Bell twice in my life and both were at 3 AM and because the line at McDonalds was too long after Bullwinkles.  I seek Chipotle 6 days a week.  This is easy, Chipotle by 140.

 

4/5 seeds bring up two opponents I have almost 0 experience with.  Thanks for this Business Insider…But I got to work with what I got.  Arby’s has one good thing and that is curly freaking fries.  When that server asks you “Do you want curly fries or regular sweetie?” I can’t think of one soul out there that doesn’t stop her at the word curly.  Curly fries are the thing that bring you back to a place that serves 4’s for sandwiches.  Domino’s has had a bit of a resurgence lately.  It was in a dark place.  Kind of like Florida State in the mid 2,000’s.  But at the end of the day Pizza is king.  Domino’s at the buzzer.

 

2/7 In-N-Out is king out west.  You get people who when they check the places to go on vacation it actually weighs in on a decision.  Its powerful.  Burger King is like that 3rd or 4th option of the big boys.  You don’t go there unless McDonalds, Wendy’s and Chick-Fil-A are stacked.  In-N-Out moves on comfortably.

 

3/6 Little Caesars was that freshman year of college savior.  It was cheap and it was pizza.  And as we established earlier pizza is king.  So if you can give it to me AND save me money you’re a special place.  However, when your main slogan is “Hot and Ready” that concerns me a bit.  Where else do you get cold food?  Wendy’s is my bihhhh.  It’s part of the big boys with McDonald’s, Chick-Fil-A and Burger King in that you see it more often than other but it’s won me over.  That Spicy Chicken Sandwich has the right amount of spice, chicken goodness and mayo to make my mouth water.  If you want to save some money the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and $1.09 chicken sandwich is a budget dream.  While most people may disagree give me Wendy’s.  Pizza’s run ended here.

 

So here is how the bracket stands as we move into our elite 8.

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We’re starting to get to the tough decisions.  But someone has to make them and someone has to win so here we go.

 

1/5 matchup features Chick-Fil-A and Jimmy Johns.  Both are quick in their service, both have consistent food and both are fan favorites.  Jimmy Johns delivers, which definitely had to be factored in.  However, who can say no to Chick-Fil-A?  Chick-Fil-A moves on in a tight one.

 

2/6 has Papa Johns and McDonalds.  McDonalds is king of roadways.  You can always count on seeing it pop up on those little highway signs that tell you what is on the next exit.  It’s that team you can always count on giving you solid effort in a tournament but never really having enough “oomph” to win it all.  Papa John’s offers a couple things.  One, its pizza and we all know by now that….?  Yes, pizza is king.  Two, they deliver.  Three, when your team wins you get 50% off.  I don’t care that the Magic beat the Kings but I do care that I get 50% off the following day.  While it is tough to say goodbye to McDonalds, Papa John’s take it.

 

1/5 features God’s finest achievements, Chipotle and Domino’s.  Pizza….is…….king.  But even kings get slaughtered.  And this wasn’t close.  Chipotle moves on.

 

2/6 brings In-N-Out against Wendy’s.  This is where shit hits the fan.  95% of America cast’s In-N-Out as the winner here but thankfully to me IDGAF about that.  In-N-Out is great; don’t get me wrong.  But the lines always take forever.  One cannot go to an In-N-Out at midnight and get served in less than 30 minutes.  Fair play to them they are super popular and always have long lines but F that.  I like a solid burger but its sloppy, messy, and burgers are kinda meh.  Wendy’s has that juicy lovin Spicy C that gets me going.  Spicy Chicken moves on to face Chipotle in the final four.

 

The final four is set.  Chick-Fil-A and Chipotle walked in with ease where Wendy’s and Papa John’s has tougher roads but prevailed.  Take a look below.

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At this point there really is no loser to be had.  This is America’s finest.  But we must carry on!

 

This chalk final four matchup features Chick-Fil-A and Papa Johns. Both bring great things to the table as we have mentioned earlier.  I really had to weigh my options here.  Take a long hard look in the mirror and really ask myself who wanted it more.  We have established the pro’s of each but now let’s look at the cons.  Let’s address the elephant in the room, being closed on Sunday’s is inexcusable.  Not to mention their political and religious stances.  Just serve me my damn #1 with a coke and go away.  How many times do you find yourself craving that chicken goodness only to realize it’s that dreaded day of the week, Sunday.  Ugh.  Papa Johns on the other hand only does one thing well and that’s Pizza.  Deserts suck…please stop.  Your soda is grossly overpriced.   It’s also not very consistent.  Sometimes it’s the stuff from the heavens and other times it looks like the guy from Toy Story was driving it to your house as you piece together that mess of a pizza.  But pizza is king so you deal.  Ya dig?  Here was the tie-breaker for me.  Breakfast and checkered fries.  No one does it better than you Chick-Fil-A.  Enjoy that OT win and get ready for the final.

 

Chipotle and Wendy’s bring two contrasting styles to the table.  Chipotle is that fresh fast food option that you can’t ignore.  Wendy’s has a good mix of value and consistency. Let’s again weigh the cons.  Chipotle has that whole Ecoli scare thing that American’s think too much about.  The lines tend to be a little overbearing but we deal.  Wendy’s are just hard to find when you want them.  Whenever I am driving on the highway and start craving food I never see Wendy’s.  I will pass 254 McDonalds and 149 Burger Kings waiting for that elusive Wendy’s sign to pop up on that blue highway slice of heaven.  For a beast of an operation you could help me out a bit.  Also their drive-thru lines can be brutal.  You either wait 2 minutes or 15.  I need to be able to count on my drive-thru to come through if I am in a pinch with time.  At the end of the day even the Cinderella stories need to come to an end.  Chipotle was a matchup nightmare for Wendy’s.  Chipotle to the final.

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Now we have the final everyone predicted at the start of this.  Chipotle against Chick-Fil-A.  This one has all the makings of a great final.  Stuff of dreams.  I could eat Chick-Fil-A and Chipotle every day of my life and be just fine.  Even combining them together.  Breakfast at the A and lunch and dinner at Chipotle.  We know the pros and cons here so it comes down to the intangibles.  Chipotle has the heart of a champion.  They don’t take days off like Chick-Fil-A does.  They know their weaknesses of long lines and offer a lifeline with their online ordering.  While breakfast was a huge factor in this, there is something sexy, exciting and mouthwatering about the unknown with Chipotle.  You can switch every up.  Secret menu’s, online ordering, unknown food illnesses, Mexican food.  They have everything to make you wonder what you’re going to get.  Chick-Fil-A won’t make mistakes and is always consistent but when you want a champion you need a little more.  Chipotle is that.  Sign me up.  See you there tomorrow afternoon.  Chipotle takes home the peoples real sweet 16 bracket.

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PEACE OUT.

 

-Hambino

Six Games at the Same time? No Problem!

Abstract:

Here at SBDS we pride ourselves on answering those age old questions sports fans ask on a daily basis.  The continually debatable subjects such as whose better Jack or Tiger, and Messi or Ronaldo take up hours of our day and we respect all input on these matters (BTW its Tiger and Messi and if you disagree you’re completely and totally wrong.  Your opinion is completely invalid on all things.  Move back to the Land of Terrible decisions you’re no longer welcome here).  After weeks in the SBDS Lab (30 minutes in a media room) while assembling millions of key data points (a cider and 3 IPAs) I will attempt to answer that age old question.  I have 6 games I need to watch all at the same time, where the hell do I watch it?

 

Baller on a Budget:

You wake up at 9:30 on a Saturday morning.  As the self-imposed fog drifts slowly Image result for hungover money memefrom your head, one thought comes to the forefront.  How much money did I spend last night?  You open your computer to check your credit card statement but it’s still in pending charges.  You’re hungover and who has time for math.  Plus, did you leave a 5-dollar tip or was it 50 because you thought the bartender was hot.  Can you afford to get to the pub to watch the morning matches knowing that inevitable meteor of pending charges could ruin your rent payment like a Mexican dinosaur?

Relax brah.  It’s not the end of the world.  Dig out the kit, find as many things with screens as humanly possible, pray you payed your internet bill this month, and dig into whatever left over alcohol you have around the house.  Now is not the time to get all hipstery.  Trust me that quarter fifth of vodka some girl left at your apartment a month ago and the 4 natty lights in the back of your fridge will do fine.  Get rid of that hangover and enjoy the 8000 games you can stream and watch on a daily basis.

 

Somewhere with a View:

Girls.  Relax.  When your man says Hooters has good wings, it is true.  Now its complete and utter bullshit that’s the reason he wants to go.  But as we know Saturdays are for the boys and your opinion doesn’t matter in this situation.  Alabama vs Texas A&M and Michigan vs Iowa is on at exactly the same time and unless Ms. Reader you have something more appetizing to the male mind on a Saturday afternoon than wings, college football, and girls, just relax.  You can yell at him tomorrow.

Image result for hooters meme                Guys.  Besides getting yelled at for this trip to a delightfully tacky restaurant be warned.  First off, the image you’ve built in your mind that Scarlett Johansson works at the Tilted Kilt is really misplaced.  Usually, the girls are contact attractive at best.  Plus, if you happen to be a fan of Central Michigan or any semi-obscure team or sport you’re going have a hard time.  I’ve had many a discussion with these, ummm, waitresses, where my frustration to get ESPN Classic turned over to something that is going on right now has ended with me leaving before even ordering a beer.  The waitresses aren’t there to get your game on unfortunately.

 

Your Teams Bar:

The NFL is awesome.  Well besides Rodger Goodell.   And the fact that there’s Image result for sports bar memepretty much a 50/50 chance that the New England Tom Brady’s win the super bowl that year.  However, nothing beats going down the local watering hole with all of the boys to watch the Redskins go 8-8 on the year.  Mostly because they put the sound on!  What a novel idea for a sports bar to play the noise of a game rather than letting some tattooed biker chick put an entire album of Metallica on the electric juke box.  And no none of the selected songs are Enter Sandman cause that’s not their real shit obviously.  But I digress.

Your local pub is like a party you are having at your home but you don’t have to clean up and you spend a lot more money.  However, if god forbid you’re playing the Packers that week and Aaron Rodgers decides to show up, you’re down 30 at the half it can get kind of boring.  You want to see how Antonio Brown is doing. because at this point your fantasy team, is the priority.  However, some 60-year-old guy with a beer pyramid of Miller High Life doesn’t want one of the forty-five tv’s changed because this is an insert team name here bar.  Whatever, dude.

 

The Generics:

                I’m going reverse the trend of this article.  And I know it goes away from the flow and as a writer you aren’t supposed to do that but I really don’t give a shit.  So let’s start with the negatives.  Most generic sports bars have a lot of issues.  Generally, you’re drinking over-priced beer from tap lines that haven’t been cleaned since the last time the Cowboys won a super bowl.  You’re eating dried out, obviously frozen wings that somehow cost you 9.99 for 7 of them.  The game you want to see is on the 24 inch flat screen in the corner despite there being 100 other TVs.  Oh, and it kind of smells like pee.Image result for buffalo wild wing meme

However, if there is a day I have 4 or 5 games I want to watch at one time, there’s really only one place I go.  And no I am not getting paid to say this but if they want to throw me some gift cards for the shout out I won’t turn it down.  I end up at Buffalo Wild Wings.  The wings are better than average most of the time.  If you get the beer of the month its relatively cheap.  A manager comes by and ASKS you if you have the games on that you want.  What a novel concept!  And, if you ask really nicely, sometimes they’ll but the noise on for you.  Depending on your region of the country Zipps and Wild Wing are also generally really good about this.  However, if you got some cash money to spend and several games to watch, look for the Yellow Sign and Black Buffalo.

Euro’s and Trumpies, The American Fan’s Pickle.

Well it’s time to dust off the ole cobwebs and see about kicking this blog back into reality.  It really is amazing what happens when you get out of the golf operation side of things.  This “free time” the rest of the world speaks about is not too bad.  Also, it’s nice not looking at weekend with a disdain hatred because of all the fun the rest of your Facebook newsfeed is having.  People coming home from their wild Friday night as you’re waking up to go get your head ripped off by 60-65 year olds that are pissed that they played in 4:27 instead of 4:25 wears down a man.  Anyways…enough about that and let’s chat sports.  Today’s topic is addressing the insecurities of Europe and Trumpies.

 

Sorry in advance Tucker as we’re going to offend some people…..

 

A little back-story on how this whole topic came about, I woke up this morning to being tagged in a post from Colin McKellar (Chelsea scum) where a group of 7-10 Atlanta United supporters were doing their best to rally the other 10-15 supporters there.  Truly did look pathetic.  See below….But then I did a little research into the video and saw that this was merely a pre-season game.  Like c’mon man?  Really? Europeans going to come rip American soccer fans, ATL United, for a pathetic looking video making fun of American fans doing what they deem as “not worthy chants” at a preseason game for an expansion team?  How many Crystal Palace fans would travel to Norway for a pre-season game?  I’ll put the O/U on 50.  You would never hear about that though.

 

So here is the basis of the article, assuming the American readers all are still with me and haven’t given up on a soccer story, which is the pickle that true American soccer/football/futbol fans are in with Euro snobs and Trumpies as I call them.  One cannot just be an American soccer fan and post openly about it without a rash of response from people.  I actually find it funny when a European and, well since y’all Brexit-ed I should address the UK separately, come at me for soccer knowledge.  Like bruh you realize I get access to EVERY.  SINGLE. GAME. On live television.  Every single premier league game, every single champions league game, most relevant La Liga, Bundesliga, Seria A and Ligue 1 games.  I will go out on a limb and bet with anyone who doesn’t illegally stream games that the die-hard American fan of the game will watch more games than any fan in the UK.  Enjoy the United/Bournemouth game today because you’re about to get blacked out for all the 10 AM games.  Oh, America you didn’t know?   Yeah, in the UK you don’t get access to all of the games.  Imagine watching the College Gameday crew sit around and watch the college games that you can’t watch and react on live Television.  That is what they watch.    No highlights, no live game, nothing.  Shocking really for a country that lives, eats, breaths, fights, kills for soccer/football.  So why is it that you all can have superiority of American fans?  Not sure actually the more I think about it.  To be honest I am not sure why there is such an insecurity towards us anyway?  It will never be the number 1 sport here so it’s not like we’re going to take over the world with it, unlike our political policies.  At the end of the day the true fans who dedicate time and effort to keep up with the European games/leagues just want to be able to sit at the table and have a conversation about it that we don’t normally get to have with other Americans who DGAF.  Don’t worry we know the elephant in the room is the fact that we call it soccer and you call it football.  Unfortunately, that just won’t change so just deal with it.

Now that I have ripped the Euro’s, it’s your turn America.   What is it with you Trumpies and complaining so damn much about soccer fans?  Like what are YOU so insecure about?  It will never pass NFL, College Football, or the NBA so who cares?  Subtle shots fired at MLB and NHL fans.  Oops.  Anyways, you treat soccer fans like we’re Putin, or I guess Trump likes Putin which means you like Putin, so more like Kim Jung-Un?  Anything progressive in this country is not okay apparently.  Which is not shocking.  I’ll ask you this, what else are you watching from 7-11 AM on a Saturday/Sunday?  Your 12th re-run or SportsCenter?  Some would actually enjoy the idea of cracking open a cold one and watching your squad at 8 AM.  It would make sense if it was keeping you from watching Lakers v Celtics or Alabama v Auburn, but no, instead it’s keeping you from watching some cooking infomercial.  On Tuesdays and Wednesday when Champions League is on and I ask for the bartender to put it on at 2:45 instead of watching the 3rd re-run of first take I could do without the random comment from the end of the bar.  I don’t care that YOU don’t like soccer.  I care that you care that I do like soccer.  If you like Zaxbys more than Chick-Fil-A who cares if I saw you’re wrong? If you like it more than Chick-Fil-A go  then keep eating that Zaxby’s.  Make YOU happy.  As Corinne would say from The Bachelor, “You do you.” If you stop liking Zaxby’s then you’re a sheep.   Little heads up, we’re not going to stop posting, writing, watching, soccer just because you say you don’t like it.  I remember when Women’s Rights and Civil Rights were thought of as annoying, pointless and a waste of time. We’re not here to tell you to watch it like the bible thumpers do.  We’re just here to tell you to piss off when you tell us watching a sport we enjoy is stupid.

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I’ll be at the Orlando City home opener this weekend, assuming there isn’t some riot by the american people to stop the game.

Game Blouses.

Is it Football Season Yet?

Well Ladies and Gentlemen we’ve entered it.  That black hole of sports between the time that football ends and when football begins.  I know I’m not alone here.  Tons of people are so bored with their lives they completely forget the college football performances the year before and choose to vest all of their interests on watching what can really only be described as the Olympics Lite.  I lost all respect for this process when a wide receiver couldn’t catch a ball but because he was the reincarnate of the Flash, Darrius Heyward-Bay, first of his name, king of the butterfingers, lord of the terrapins, and the khaleesi of the grass sea went 7th overall.  I would like to say there is hope but there’s not.

dukesucks1Let’s start with the closest upcoming event.  March Madness.  As a Florida State fan, I’m really excited to see us maybe get to the Sweet Sixteen, so I can get my hopes way up only to see them dashed like a baby bird on a sidewalk.  The best part of March Madness for me is seeing Duke and Kentucky fans having this same devastation on their title hopes.  But here’s the problem Happy.  You aren’t any good.  Or at least not good enough for them to experience the same pain that’ll I’ll suffer.

Sticking with basketball… Cavaliers vs Warriors.  Even with Kevin Durant hurt, can we just please hit the fast forward button to get there please?

Oh wait I forgot Spring Training is here!   To me the best part of Spring Training is having an excuse to sit outside in Arizona and Florida the only time of the year it is actually bearable to be outside in those nursing homes that call themselves states.  For the rest of us who are stuck fighting the bartender at Buffalo Wild Wings asking her to please put on the Champions League matches but she can’t because some Braves fan is on his 3rd lip and 4th Michelob ultra is enjoying the only time this year his team isn’t 6 -252, it sucks.  Run on sentence?  Moving on!

“Great now Tuck Sauce is going talk about how soccer is the only exciting thing going on.”

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                                          Steven Glansberg eating dessert by himself

Well f*** off imaginary voice invented by me to get the point of this article across.  The title race is over.  Chelsea have won it not because they’re incredible; it’s just the rest of the top 6 are garbage.  Liverpool have won twice in twelve matches, Mourinho is too far back, Arsenal will end up fourth and Tottenham… Well that joke is just too easy.  And continental soccer is even worse; unless you like French football which let’s face it, not even the French like.  So unless I want to watch Swansea and Middleborough battle for 16th, I’m stuck watching Champions League highlights on YouTube while taking my afternoon BM like I’m Steven Glansberg. (9-5 is so much fun).

But wait there is hope.  Yes, that bastion that keeps me sane through the roller coaster of Virginia winters.  That gentle music with Jim Nantz’s voice emanating through.  Yes, the only event on tour that even Tiger’s absence and Johnny Miller’s presence can’t ruin.  The Masters.  Chances are I’ll probably get the *flu* on Thursday and won’t move except to drink and ummm process Bud Lights until Sunday evening.  I know some of you are saying “Gold Jacket, Green Jacket who gives a shit,” but again imaginary dick head f*** off.  CMON JORDAN!

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